SINKING SANDS

Hello people, hope your New Year is off to a great start? It was Wednesday movie night yesterday, a tradition myself and my wife are trying to develop in our bid to decisively do something romantic (click here for more details). So we switched on to OHTV for Wednesday night movies; showing was a Ghanian drama depicting the story of a newly wedded couple whose love turns to violence after a domestic accident leaves the husband disfigured starring  Ama K, Jimmy Jean Loius and Yemi Blaq.

This film made me sad and very close to tears as I witnessed glaring domestic violence and the heroine didn't even know it was happening to her. I decided to do a post on possible red flags on domestic violence. For more information on the subject, check out +StandtoEndRape Ster  . If you need to speak to someone in confidence you can send an email or send a message on Facebook.

So, if you think your spouse or partner is abusive, or you suspect that someone you know is in an abusive relationship, review the red flags and other information on domestic abuse and violence covered in this article. Not all abuse involves physical threat; emotional abuse can also leave deep and lasting scars. Recognising the warning signs and symptoms of spousal abuse is the first step, but taking action is the most important step in breaking free.

Victims of domestic abuse or domestic violence may be men or women

Although women are more commonly victimized. This abuse happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. Except for the gender difference, domestic abuse doesn’t discriminate. It happens within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The abuse may occur during a relationship, while the couple is breaking up, or after the relationship has ended.

Despite what many people believe, domestic violence is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over their behaviour. In fact, violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to take control over another.

Spousal abuse and battery are used for one purpose: to gain and maintain total control over the victim. In addition to physical violence, abusers use the following tactics to exert power over the victims:

Dominance

Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his/her possession.

Humiliation 

An abuser will do everything to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

Isolation

In order to increase your dependence on him/her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. The abuser may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.

Threats 

Abusers commonly use threats to keep their victims from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He/she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.

Intimidation

Your abuser may use a variety of intimation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.

Denial and blame 

Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behaviour on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his/her violence and abuse is your fault.

Is ROMANCE dead?

I was sitting quietly doing some work on my laptop whilst being distracted by my favourite television series, NCIS; the original NCIS (the NCIS Los Angeles is too ‘techno-gizmo’ for me), when my wife comes to me and says we ‘should do something’, to which I reply ‘I am, I’m working’. She said ‘no, I mean something romantic’; this got me troubled. With barely a month into marriage, it got me thinking, I hope I’m not becoming one of those odd couples I've heard and seen that seem to have lost the romance in their marriage.

This begs the question, should romance have a place in marriage? Should married couples experience a regular feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love? After all, I now have the licence to thrill and be thrilled.

Don’t get me wrong romance is not and shouldn't be the sole foundation of a union, however, it is the fire in the fireplace — the warmth and security of a relationship that says, "We may have struggles, but I love you, and everything is okay." We ought to make romance a part of our everyday diet in our marriage relationship. 

Look at what the Bible says in Proverbs 5:18-19: "…May your fountain be blessed,  and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love"

That's a powerful image - to be literally exhilarated by your spouse. This type of romance is part of what sets a marriage apart from just a friendship. Victoria is my friend, but there is also a side of our friendship that goes way beyond that - we share a marriage bed together, and we dream thoughts and exchange intimacies that are shared with nobody else on this planet. That's what God intended, we believe, in the marriage relationship.

The truth is we all as individuals like the thrill and excitement associated with love because it affirms us and reinforces our human connection with one another. When you were courting, all you could think about was how exciting and romantic it was to be together. Then, you couldn't do enough to please each other. As time passed, you got so accustomed to each other that you stopped making special efforts for each other. There were always so many responsibilities and details to take care of, that who could think about romance?

So maybe you've been missing those blissful feelings and you sense that your other half misses them too. 

Here are a few ways to put more romance back into your marriage.

1. DATE AGAIN

Date nights are a must. Mid-week, get out of those sweats and dress up -- and no talking about mortgages, sick parents and the children’s soccer schedules. Get to know the person you married again romantically. Some ideas include having a themed date – whether its 70’s music night or a hot summer’s day re-enactment. You could also have a first date re-enactment. You know walking down memory lane is fun and exhilarating; it allows you and your spouse to reconnect to your simpler selves, before life got complicated.

2. START YOUR FOREPLAY IN THE MORNING

Things like "I love you" in the morning, a special touch at breakfast, a "thinking of you" text during the workday, and cooking your spouse's favourite dish matter. They all count as foreplay, so start early for a late finish.

3.  TRY SOMETHING NEW

Be adventurous. Try out new things together. It’s all about the thrill of mystery and excitement you share together. Why not try out that new restaurant that just opened out of town or go to the theatre together and enjoy the new show that just opened. Oh and don’t forget to try something new in the bedroom, that’s always a winner.

4. TAKE A HOLIDAY

Get out of your routine and if possible, go on a trip. If there's no money for anything extra, take a long walk, have a picnic dinner or visit a museum; any shared activity that you both enjoy will work. Spending time focused on the two of you bonds you – you begin to ‘re-notice’ certain things.

5. SAY WHAT YOU WANT

Unless your partner is one of the elite 5% of society that happens to be psychic, tell or show your spouse what you need or want. Good communication is a must. Make sure this doesn't start and end in the blame game. Make sure you include what you want in and out of bed.